Sunday, March 1, 2009

Last Hope Motel: Vacancy.

So I find myself walking again on this road. It's a lost highway I've heard.
It must be true: I never seem to get nowhere, for no matter how many times I've tried, I've always failed.
It's only after -I don't know how long- that I reach the only construction a desert this cold and dark blue can offer. It's a motel, the neon sign reads. I enter to see if there are any rooms available.
I feel at home here. Here I'm lonely no more; I'm alone. A room is waiting for me, and here I'll stay... until the broken pieces stop falling apart, so I can put back my skin on; until everything starts to make sense again, so I can tell my mind where to go.
Within these walls it's warm. Now I can rest and have some sleep, swimming in dreams. Then I'll go downstairs and sit at the bar. In silence I'll have my drink. Talking to nobody I'll stare back at them, and they'll feel my gaze.
Eventually someone is going to look back at me, and I'll be waiting for her. I can see her turning around and smiling because she has found me among the crowd... I know she's coming someday to this place. Everyone who is lost finds her way here. She can't miss it: it's the building with the neon sign at the end of the road, near the edge of the cliff.
Till' then I'll remain here, lying down. The voice inside my head telling me I don't want to be hurt again will slowly start to fade... then we'll find ourselves in each other's arms, beside solitude and tranquility.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Last Hope Motel: Room for Two.

Back then, when we married -even before- when we where hanging out, he always used to hold my hand. No matter where we went, no matter where we were, with friends or all by ourselves, he'd always hold my hand. Now he's just a shape beside me. I think I don't love him anymore and it doesn't even make me sad. Is this what hate is all about?

I don't know for how long I can take it. "This is our last chance, to make things right, to go back to what we used to be", she said while making the reservations to this motel we're heading. "It'll be our second honey moon, it'll be great, you'll see", she continued. Well, the truth is, I can't see anything in this fog. We almost crashed some kilometers back. She stared back at me with judging eyes, like it was all my fault... This place better be a bomb, 'cause I really don't know how long I can take it.

To think we were so happy... what happened? We have a son, he always wanted a boy, now he has it... Isn't that enough? God, what am I thinking... what was I thinking when I decided to come to this place... If he'd just hurry, I feel so uncomfortable in this car.

She's so selfish. She's always expecting something from me; from everyone. I'm the one who has to carry with all the weight of this relationship, of this marriage... That word... its sound is no longer familiar. We've talked about divorce already. And my boy... she wouldn't say it, but she's been clear enough about it: she won't let me have him; I can have everything else, the house, the car, whatever I want, but not him... She might be sitting next to me -quiet and beautiful- looking at the desert through the window, but I can't recognize her anymore, she's like someone else... and I am so lonely right now...

Friday, February 27, 2009

Last Hope Motel: No Vacancy.

The rain won't stop falling. Right now it feels like forever. I think I've been moving in circles for too long. This damn rain, I can't see a thing. Somewhere in the distance there are neon lights: it's a motel for sure.
As I keep going the rain has already made it through my clothes. I'm soaking wet when I finally make it there. As I thought, it's a motel. I enter only to find there aren't any rooms left. With no other choice I hang the wet clothes and hit the bar.
People come and go without notice in these places, so I figure -if I hang around I may get a room, sooner than later-.
Inside the bar the place is deserted, except for a strange guy in a corner drinking in silence. I sit down and wait... I don't know what I´m waiting for, but I have nothing else to do than wait.
Time goes by and I can't do anything but watch it drown in an endless moment... Where am I? I've never been here before... it's that why I feel so lost? My chest, it's like someone beat it with a hammer. I can't breath, I'm suffocating... what is this place? Oh God, please tell me it isn't Hell.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Last Hope Motel: Expectations.

His last words before hanging up were "I'll meet you there". So now I'm looking for this place, though I really feel it's calling me. I have no address, at least not a real one, only directions, signs, indications on where to turn and where to go straight. But then, I can't help the feeling I'm going in circles.
I can't wait to see him again, to hold him and kiss him. We've grown so distant over the last few months... I just want this last chance to make things right, to erase the mistakes of the past and build a better future for us both. I love him so much I can't really explain what has happened between us... sometimes I fear it's someone else, but what really terrifies me is, well, it's me... What if it's all my fault? What if it's me who's grown distant? What if I'm not enough? I can only wish he can forgive me as I have forgiven him...
At last! "The neon lights in the distance," just as they said back in town! I'm so excited I can't wait! Is he already there waiting for me? Has he chosen a nice and cozy room? Gosh, my belly's full of butterflies!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Last Hope Motel: Asphyxia.

My eyes slowly open and the blurred images regain some of their form. Where am I? This looks like a motel room, no doubt about it... Damn, this hangover's gonna kill me... Mmm, where is the girl I shagged last night? Where was I last night and with whom? Hard to remember right now, but whoever she was has already left.
As I stumble around the place's furniture the memories of last night resist to show up; instead, flashbacks of my life haunt me. I make it to the bathroom. My toothbrush, shaver, lotions and creams are organized exactly the same way I have them arranged back in my crib. I run to the closet and find all of my clothing nice and clean. How much time have I spent in this place?
I need a bath. Inside the bathtub there are my soap and shampoo brands, as back home. This place... What the hell?! I wasn't here last night! Oh! My head... I can't even scream inside my head... all this is too strange... I think I'm gonna be sick.
I put my pijamas on and exit the room. The corridor is desolated. I go downstairs; there's no one in the lobby. Checking the record books I find my registration entry, it was last night... Where the fuck am I?... nothing makes sense...

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Last Hope Motel: Lost Hope Motel.

"That’s life" they say, "that’s the way it is". Well, I decided life doesn’t have to be like that. When I first made it to this motel I took out that piece of meat they call heart, with a fist wrapped in blood. I needed to get away from everything; even from myself.
I put it in a drawer. Sometimes I place it on the table and stare at it. Strange as it is, it still beats... even though I cannot feel anything.
Now there’s no place to run, no way to hide; and no need to. I’m no longer human, I’ve become something else entirely: I’m a walking corpse. And they’re aware of my presence; I know it because they step away from me. It’s like the coldness of my body frightens them. Maybe they’re afraid of becoming like me, maybe they think I could harm them if they come near me.

It doesn’t matter anymore; nothing can stop me now; they can’t hurt me ever again.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Last Hope Motel: Orphanage.

Mom and dad left some time ago. They told me they needed to spend some "quality time" together, or something. I miss them; I’ve never been away from them for so long, it’s like time had swallowed them whole. They didn’t gave me an address nor telephone number to contact them. If I could just hear their voice, know they're fine, anything! Why haven’t they called?! Are they ever coming back?!
I skipped school this morning because I wanted to look for them, and find they’re OK. I’m not sure why, but somehow I feel they need me, like they’re calling me.
I’ve been riding my bike all day with no certain direction; and yet I've got this strange feeling I'm getting closer and closer, and as this feeling grows, so does the coldness... real weird stuff... like if I had went through some kind of barrier, a frontier between me and I don’t know what... like I said, weird stuff, kinda creepy.
Mmm... there’s something bright in the distance: it's neon lights. Maybe a motel?, like the ones alongside roads in the desert... only this one isn't at the side of the road, it's its end.
Anyway, I'd better get there fast, before I freeze to death.